Letting go of control
Oven at 350? Timer set for 12 minutes?
Who knew this could feel so normal, right? Checking your favorite food blogs. Searching the cabinet for that elusive bag of chocolate chips. The way that particular shaft of sunlight—slanting through your kitchen windows in the late afternoon—illuminates the puffs of flour as they float up from the bowl. Normal, and yet … extraordinary. Especially when you remember sophomore year.
That was the beginning, wasn’t it? The obsessing about food. The compulsive calorie-counting and over-exercising and the relentless self-loathing.
Even then, though, you prayed. This mindset, these choices—they didn’t feel right. But there were times when you feared you were in too deep—that no power was big enough to pull you out of this vortex.
Still, you prayed. You clung to the life-saving thought that God’s healing message of love is “ever present in human consciousness and repeating itself.” Repeating itself. 1 You knew that meant that God would keep loving you until you yielded—until Love saved you.
The hardest part was the control. That was the root of it. You couldn’t control your relationships or the world’s reception of your work. But food? You could control that. So you did.
Years passed. You struggled, but you were also moving forward in so many areas. And you were beginning to see that your concept of control was pretty upside-down. You thought you had the power to make things happen (or not). But your prayers were showing you that God was the real authority, the real source of movement in your life.
Like when you prayed about your career. You glimpsed the truth of this statement: “Mind’s control over the universe, including man, is no longer an open question, but is demonstrable Science.” 2 Mind’s control. That’s right. Prayer showed you that you’d never had your hands on the steering wheel of your life. But every right thought and action was a promise that God was in control, and that you couldn’t ever stand outside His wise and attentive care.
Then came The Day. You’d been feeling the peace from knowing God’s control—God’s tender shepherding—for a while, hadn’t you? And you’d been loving it. Not being in control was so much easier than clinging to the illusion that you were somehow responsible for your life and progress.
On The Day, you’d met up with some friends for lunch. And you were eating—you were eating. That’s when you realized that the obsessive thoughts about food were just gone. You couldn’t even remember the last time you’d worried about how much you’d eaten or felt afraid and out of control when you’d come into contact with food.
You were healed. Forever.
Speaking of which, it’s probably time to check on those cookies. I know, when you take them out of the oven, you’ll pause for a moment to give thanks. It’s a powerful, sacred thing to have a Saviour, isn’t it? And it’s an unspeakable gift to know what it means to be saved.
Topics: Body image, Guilt, Health and Identity, Self-esteem | Tags: control, eating, eating disorder, self-worth