Fake it ‘til you make it

I was in pain. The cramps were getting worse and the nausea was setting in. What should I do? My boyfriend and I had planned a backcountry ski trip, and the bags were packed. The car was loaded. Now he was asking me if I was ready to go and all I could feel was…fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to do it–that we’d drive the two-and-a-half hours to Mount Washington and then I wouldn’t be able to hike. Or that I’d be so whiny that he’d regret the whole thing.

Finally, I had to make a decision, so I got in the car. When my boyfriend asked if I was feeling up for the trip, my answer was short and simple: “I will be when we get there.”

I was just going to claim this healing right now–to trust that I already was healed, and had in fact never been less than healthful, because I was a perfect expression of Divine order. Maybe I couldn’t feel it at the moment, but I knew without a doubt that harmony was the law that was governing me–not a material law of cycles or pain.

I didn’t want to make my boyfriend drive in silence, but the radio was on and what I really wanted was some quiet. Quiet so that I could focus on the spiritual qualities that I knew my body was really expressing, instead of the discomfort it seemed to be screaming about. I knew peace was a quality of Divine order, too, and I realized this meant that I could express peace right then, no matter what was going on around me. At that moment, my boyfriend remarked that there was nothing good on the radio and I suggested that we turn it off for a while. He agreed happily.

Score. Thanks, Peace. You’re awesome.

Soon I felt calm, so I switched the radio back on. He hummed contentedly and I kept focusing on God, on good. I didn’t allow myself to think about the pain I was feeling, or the formidable cold outside–around 7 degrees. But this wasn’t self-hypnosis or pretending. I’ve found through my practice of Christian Science that the real story, the truth, is communicated by God–not through the five physical senses. I knew that as I became conscious of God’s goodness and comfort, anything unlike God would have to fade away.

When we got to the base of the mountain it didn’t even occur to me to analyze how I was feeling. I knew my healing was already complete. The fear was gone, and though it sounds odd, I wasn’t even concerned with what my body was doing anymore. Once we geared up and set off, I allowed myself to “check in” on my physical condition only to assess my own body temperature. The air temperature was around zero at that point and sweating was something that needed to be avoided at all costs.

When we finally reached our destination and stepped into our skis, I knew I had done it. I felt great and completely well. Those turns to the bottom were my expression of Divine freedom, and I couldn’t help but laugh as I carved my victory right into the pure white surface of the mountain. I knew that by tomorrow the tracks would be blown away or covered with fresh snow, but they were carved indelibly in my mind–proof that the healing I’d claimed for myself before I’d even gotten in the car was real. A tangible blessing.

Before this trip I’d liked the statement, “Fake it ‘til you make it,” but it hadn’t occurred to me until that day that really, we’ve already made it. Always. It only seems like we have to fake it sometimes.