How do you deal with rejection?
November 6, 2011 at 9:45 pm #49831
Over the summer I was able to spend a lot of time with a boy that I really looked up to and admired. My feelings developed from simple friendliness to something a lot deeper. I thought that he felt the same way about me but when we talked about it and he told me he didn’t feel the same way, I was crushed. It’s been really hard for me to get over the idea of being personally to blame. I feel like if I only had more physical beauty than he might have felt the same way about me. I know that God created me as a beautiful and blameless expression but I’ve been struggling to see it more clearly. I particularly love this quote:
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms 139:14
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic!November 6, 2011 at 10:19 pm #49832
Ohhhhhh, it’s hard when you feel like you might not have been good enough for someone you like to like you. I’ve been there, for sure. But with emotional distance and perspective, I’ve discovered that even though it seems like it was one person rejecting another, it was really just that it wouldn’t have been a good fit for either of us. And I know that the times I’ve had to do the rejecting, it wasn’t ever because I thought that the other person was “less than.” It was because it didn’t feel like the right fit. That’s the truth. I can think of a few people who I really loved as friends (and who were very nice looking!) and our friendships continued and have lasted longer than most of my romantic relationships.
You have the opportunity here to reject the idea that there’s anything about you that’s less than perfect, less than loveable, less than lovely. Don’t let this situation take away your sense of self. Use it as a chance to get to know yourself better. Make a list of all your good qualities and live with them. God gave them to you. :)November 8, 2011 at 11:55 pm #49833
I had a very similar experience to yours last year, although from the boy’s perspective. There was this girl that moved to my city that I instantly had a crush on. I thought she had the same feelings about me, especially after she kissed me! (and more than a couple times, mind you), but as time went on she too said that it didn’t feel right, like it wasn’t God-impelled, and that she wasn’t interested in any sort of romantic relationship with me after all, although she wanted to still be friends.
But to be honest, I really couldn’t “just” be friends at that point. That wasn’t fair to me. You can’t ask a tree to go back to being an acorn just because you decided that you planted the wrong tree. It was obvious to me that my desire wasn’t going away — so long as I kept spending time with her — so eventually someone gave me some rather “tough love” advice, which I needed to hear at the time, that I should distance myself from her, mostly to protect me! Now please note that maybe this same advice will apply to you, maybe it won’t. Everyone’s experience is individual and unique. But I can say that in my own situation, it was necessary to take this step of distancing myself and gradually learning to love and appreciate this person in a different way, and from a distance.
In retrospect, I can acknowledge that it really wasn’t the right fit. What Amy said above on that topic is very insightful. You want someone who will appreciate you just as much as you will appreciate them, otherwise it’s perpetually out of balance and there’s no equality. You need, and deserve, equality in your relationships.
And just like you, I kind of blamed myself too … in different but equivalent ways you might say. I often thought that if I had been more attractive (i.e. had more chiseled abs, or a little less fat, etc.), that maybe she would have been more interested. Or if I had had a more assertive, confident, or aggressive personality, she might have found that more attractive. She talked quite a bit about some of her ex-boyfriends whenever she was around me, and honestly it felt like she was always comparing me to them, and I was always coming up short. Hearing about them felt stinging. So with that I was even more inclined to compare myself to these guys I didn’t know and blame myself for not being more like them.
But all of that’s a load of baloney, and you know it. Is God so small that He created you as a mistake? NO! Everything about you is beautiful, adorable, and INTENTIONAL. God didn’t mess up when He made you; you are “[URL=http://www.spirituality.com/dt/book_lookup.jhtml?reference=Ps%2B139:14&marks=true#jumpto]fearfully and wonderfully made[/URL].” And if this one particular individual doesn’t recognize that in the way that a boyfriend would, that’s fine, that just means he’s not your boyfriend. He’s not the right fit for you. You don’t have to blame him for having bad taste. Lots of people have bad taste; that’s why there are so many vegetarians in the world. But more importantly, you certainly don’t have to blame yourself. Is being you a crime that God punishes? Of course not!!!November 8, 2011 at 11:57 pm #49834
The relationships you’re in should not be a perpetual struggle. One thing that I found really helpful when I was dealing with my own situation was when one practitioner gently said, “You want someone who will already have flowers ready for you when you give them to her!” The idea of having that balance, that natural reciprocation, is something we should all be able to demand. It shouldn’t have to be something you have to earn, and that the other person can deem you worthy or unworthy of. It is nothing but pure human will to try and force it with that one particular person who doesn’t see things the same way.
And trust me, coming from a guy with plenty of experience in trying to use human will, it doesn’t work. You have a right to demand balance. You have a right to demand appreciation. You have a right to demand approval, and joy, and spontaneity, and innocence, and excitement. But you already know who you really should be demanding those things of, and it isn’t that boy. And then it’s a huge lesson in both patience and trust to be able to genuinely believe that not only does God [URL=http://www.spirituality.com/dt/book_lookup.jhtml?reference=SH%2B1:11&marks=true#jumpto]already know your desire[/URL], and not only does He want you to be happy, but that He is [URL=http://www.spirituality.com/dt/book_lookup.jhtml?reference=SH%2B579:12&marks=true#jumpto]inspiring a greater trust in goodness[/URL] so that it will work out, your desires will be fulfilled, and that you can claim that right now.
One other thing worth mentioning — I also learned that it’s very easy to confuse physical intimacy with actual intimacy. When that girl kissed me, it really threw me out of whack for awhile. I learned that it’s best to hold off on any physical activity until you know for certain that there’s a solid foundation of commitment, otherwise it’ll just hurt all that much more later. For me, this experience fully answered the question of why it’s best to wait until marriage for sex. Because if merely kissing can bring on such strong feelings, I can only imagine how much worse it would have felt, had sex been involved.
But above all, the most important lesson I learned, and that it sounds like you’re learning too, is to be able to love yourself, and stand up for yourself!, and realize that you already have God’s approval. You don’t have to go out and do anything to earn it.
Before Jesus started his ministry, before he had raised anyone from the dead, before he had healed anyone, before he had really done anything at all, the angel of the Lord had already descended from heaven like a dove to say “[URL=http://www.spirituality.com/dt/book_lookup.jhtml?reference=Mark%2B1:10-11&marks=true#jumpto]this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.[/URL]” God is saying the same thing to you, “this is my beloved daughter in whom I am well pleased.” And He’s already saying that before you’ve done anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to this boy, or to anyone. You just have to express Life and Love in the beautiful ways that you do. And that is enough! You already have all of God’s love, affection, and approval. You don’t have to go outside to seek it. You just have to live, laugh, love.November 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm #49835
I’ve been in a similar situation before. One thing I’ve found really helpful is just to completely trust all relationships to God and focus on God who is Love – spiritual Love, eternal, divine Love, not limited human love. Then you see its not up to you to make yourself more attractive humanly to the other person, you just can focus on expressing Love and this well bless your relationship whether it is just friendship or something more.
Have you heard of the anthology of articles aimed at teens called Step by Step, in there there’s a good article called ‘A letter to someone in love’ which talks about relationships and rejection and not fearing rejection.
Another thing I like to do when thinking about relationships is to read the chapter on Marriage in Science and Health. I find it usful, for thinking about realationships even if you’re not yet considering marriage. There’s a great line on page 57, line 15, it says “Beauty, wealth or fame is incompetent to meet the demands of affections, and should never weigh against the better claims of intellect, goodness, and virtue.” Its who you are, not what you look like which is important, you say you admire this boy, I bet that’s because of who he is, not what he looks like, that is what should be focused on realtionships, so you don’t need to feel that you need to be more beautiful etc, becuase like you said, your are God’s beautiful child and its not your fault at all!
I’ve found that really praying deeply about relationships has helped to strengthen my relationship with God too.
Hope this helps
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