What was I rushing home to?
A few months ago, I was planning to hang out with some friends. I hadn’t gotten to spend a ton of time with them recently, so I was really looking forward to this! I had to be home at a certain time so my wife and I could get to another commitment we had later in the evening, but I wasn’t too concerned.
Some of my friends had been casually mentioning how it seemed like I was always at my wife’s beck and call. This certainly wasn’t true, as we both share equally in our decision-making, but I was feeling a little sensitive about being perceived as “henpecked.” I had decided that I would go to my friend’s house, and if I wasn’t home exactly on time, she could just deal with it.
Well, that’s a pretty good recipe for a tricky evening. I’m a little shocked by my thought-process now, as I think about it now. At the time, though, it made sense—or seemed to. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to stick up for myself now and then?
I was at my friend’s house, and we were having a great time. After seeing me take a quick glance at my watch, though, my friend asked if I needed to go. Imagining that I’m seeing a smirk on his face, I say, “No, man! I’ll be home when I’m home.”
Five minutes later my phone rings. I see that it’s my wife. After a short, terse conversation, I turn to my friends, embarrassed, “I’m sorry, but I need to go right now.”
My friend apologizes for making me late, but I know it’s not his fault. I was the one trying to prove something. Dashing to the car, I start to race home. But in a moment of stillness, while I’m waiting at a stop light, the thought comes: “Slow down. What are you rushing home to?”
Uhh . . . my angry wife? Every minute that passes I’m heading to an angrier wife, too.
Again: “What are you rushing home to? Are you rushing home to an angry wife—to an ungodlike idea of God?”
Oh. I realized this was an important thought to listen to. As the light turned green, and I started on my way again, I drove at a safe, reasonable pace. I didn’t try to answer the thoughts as they came; I just listened to what I realized were angel messages specifically for me.
I wasn’t, in fact, going home to an ungodlike reflection of God. And, trickier to understand, but also vitally important: I wasn’t an ungodlike idea of God headed home to a poor, suffering wife. Each of us is nothing more and nothing less than the full radiance of divine Love, God. Always.
Then the real kicker came. “Forgive her.” Excuse me?! First of all, I was the one who had behaved badly and who probably most needed forgiving, and . . . and hey, why should she get to make me feel bad? Whoops! I almost got started on that whole train of feeling hard-done-by again. But then I stopped myself (at a yield sign, appropriately) and settled back into listening to God’s messages.
Forgiveness, I realized during the rest of the drive home, isn’t about speeches, deserving, or being holier than thou. Forgiveness is about realizing that I am not owed anything by anybody. Forgiveness, here, meant that my wife doesn’t owe me anything to boost my sense of self-worth. She doesn’t owe me peace. She doesn’t even owe me love.
Everything that I have—including my sense of myself as a confident, capable, loving man—is given by my Father-Mother God and can never be taken from me. If I could forgive my wife for being upset with me (and doing that made me feel very strange, because I’d always thought that the other person needed to know they were being forgiven, and they needed to have done a worse thing to you than you did to them), then I could go home peacefully knowing the presence of divine Love.
It was incredible. When I walked in the door, I was greeted with a warm smile, pleasant conversation over dinner, and peaceful coordination for getting to our next commitment. It did feel right to make an apology, which was accepted gracefully, and that was that. There was no need either to try and control how things turned out or to grovel and hope that my wife would forgive my disregard for our evening.
That evening, I learned that I can respond to God and to the work of good. If I’m doing that, what else could fill my day—and the days of those around me?
Posted on Tuesday, March 20th, 2012 at 8:00 am | Follow responses with the RSS feedTopics: Marriage, Peer Pressure | Tags: anger, bossy, henpecked
This article was very helpful and insightful. Thanks so much for sharing!
Love your honesty. Great ideas.
Joni – thank you! I love that powerful and fundamental idea. Thanks for sharing!
JD – Thanks for your comments! Yes, isn’t that grace such a vitalizing and steadying aspect to all relationships? It helps us know when to share – even with someone with whom we might NOT normally share – and when to cherish the stillness and quiet of communion with God and God alone.
Amy – Thank you so much for your kind and inspirational ideas! I’m so glad you enjoyed reflecting on this – it’s so fun how these opportunities to write and comment keep unfolding new views. “God is all” – so foundational to everything, and yet every day we see a new way to live it, love it, and know it! Thank you for sharing and for your love :-)
Dear John,
Thank you for sharing this experience.
I was just about to tuck into bed, and while reflecting on this piece (and peace… ;- )
and it came to me that I am not even owed forgiveness by myself.
That the tossings and turnings of mortal thought that try to come to me about wishing I had done or expressed something better in any given situation..that That–right there, is the lie . God always has been and always is in charge of all the details–including “Love being reflected in love.”
phew~
Much love to you and Lindsey!
Amy
Nice story John. :-)
I think this brings up a relevant issue too. Do we internalize stress within a marriage? Sometimes, I think when people are married they take on expectations because it is often quite a team approach to life, that everything has to be worked out or discussed within the marriage. As opposed to the little things that you would probably never discuss with a roommate, co-worker, or friend, that you might also be teaming up with in various way throughout life. I guess what I’m saying is that grace is a powerful thing and within marriage it’s probably pretty helpful in keeping stress down and just appreciating the goodness of the relationship. To sometimes just have the grace to know — that just like all the other relationships and experiences we’ve had in life — that trusting God and listening for how to speak and think that expresses the most respect for others is generally a good thing as we all grow in grace together. Just something I thought about from my own life experiences while reading your post here. :-)
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much John–so beautiful, so helpful. I love this thought especially: “Forgiveness is about realizing that I am not owed anything by anybody.” Ah…to realize that overflowing completeness, Love’s infinite self-containment, grace, “light [emitting] light without effort.” (SH 262:24)
such freedom!
Thank you, Inge and Gordon! Thanks for mentioning the simplicity of it all, in both your comments – it really was the simple (you might even say, ‘still and small’!) voice which revealed the healing here. Isn’t it always in the rushing and justifying and scrambling – in the midst of the earthquake, wind, and fire – where we are often trying so hard and yet going nowhere? But the best part is, that harmony, that healing and forgiveness is actually what is ever-present, and we can’t be kept from knowing it!
Thanks for your thoughts – always a new, fresh light to shine :-)
John, this is a really great message. I love the harmony you and your wife experienced when you arrived home. It didn’t have to spiral into a huge scene of he-said, she-said, he-screwed-up, she-retaliated, and so on. Your simple statement that nobody owes anybody anything else just takes care of it. All love comes from God and God alone. Thanks for sharing!
Love the simplicity and humility of this one. This is so good: “Forgiveness is about realizing that I am not owed anything by anybody.” Reminds me of the spiritual interpretation of the Lord’s prayer– “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And Love is reflected in love.”
Thanks for sharing!