Wide awake
So I came across this song on the radio. A friend and I were just about to get out of the car. I heard the beginning synth and something stopped me. I could hear the spirituality in this song. So we both sat still and heard these opening lyrics:
“I’m wide awake. Ya I was in the dark, I was fallin’ hard, with an open heart, how did I read the stars so wrong?
And now it’s clear to me that everything you see ain’t always what it seems. Ya I was dreaming for so long.”
The fantastic video to Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake” helps to share what I’ve worked through. This is what it took to wake me up:
I was a sophomore in high school. I had dropped out as a freshman because I didn’t see the purpose of school. Now I was back and put into remedial classes with kids I didn’t want to be with. What’s a boy to do but start slanging lies?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I was never a dealer. I sold the lifestyle, not the drugs. I sold rave culture to a bunch of suburban kids. And it worked great. I made friends quickly and established myself in the ruthless social hierarchy.
Then there was this one night at a dance club in Hollywood introducing a few “newbies” to some serious drugs. I dropped some too, and found myself spinning out of control.
I jumped up on a concrete wall, gripped a chain link fence, and started yelling things that didn’t make sense to mortals. I told them about how it was all just a dream. I ranted and raved about our true powers, our true potential.
They tore me down and tried to beat me. I managed to escape, skidding under the stage where a DJ blasted out digital spiderwebs, and I spun in circles for hours alone.
I knew this wasn’t who I was. And I so desperately wanted to get out. My desperation began to tear away the illusion. I knew it wasn’t a pill that was making me feel this way. It was really the hype that spewed out of me five days a week that created my midnight madness.
When I eventually got back control from the consent to darkness, I got dropped off at home, snuck in without waking my mom, and let terrible, twisted fantasies and drum n’ bass beats bang through my head as I lay awake unable to sleep.
This wasn’t who I was. I hated this false self. Every night before I turned off the light, I would flip through the book that sat eternally by my bedside, Science and Health. My favorite passage was this one:
“[The power of sin [is] diminishing, for the world feels the alterative effect of truth through every pore.” 1
It calmed me. It reminded me of something that deep down inside I knew, and so desperately wanted to share with the world.
This went on for months. And then one night I came home, ready to relive the nightmare routine, and before I could quietly squeak the door open, it burst open to reveal the tearful face of my mom. She’d caught me this time. And I had nowhere to hide.
She flipped on the light and demanded to see my eyes. Then she burst into sobs. I did, too. I just broke down, right there, so tired of running. And we sat on the floor holding each other.
That was the beginning of the end of the selfish illusion. It wasn’t the pain that woke me up. It wasn’t the terrible nightmares or insomnia. It was the broken image of pure selfishness I finally awoke to. And this is what changed me. No one wants to be selfish. No one wants to be destructive.
We all know our true birthright. It’s inherent in us. We are children of God: You, me, Katy Perry, everyone. We are pure and innocent and holy. Our spiritual being, our Christ-sensitivity, can never be drugged, never touched, and never tainted.
Just across the page from the passage I read over and over to myself was the truth that would finally wake me up: “Love is the liberator.” 2
It took a few years after that night on the floor with my mom, but I finally broke free of all the evil beliefs that I let keep me chained. I learned, for myself, that “the way to escape the misery of sin is to cease sinning.” 3 Now, as Katy Perry says, I’m wide awake, delivered from the lion’s den — and bowed humbly at the throne of Spirit awaiting further orders.
By Michael Morgan
HEAL the sick, cast out evil, raise the dead
Topics: Drinking / Drugs | Tags: healing sin
This will be a hard commentary for me to leave, and I actually had to think deeply about this before I started typing. Do I want my teenage daughter to read this? I’m afraid what she might think of me if she knew what I have been through in my life. But maybe my comments will make someone else who stand on the precipice of these life altering decisions to think. This is the TIME for THINKERS, right? This is why you are here, to think for yourself.
I was raised in CS but I just didn’t get it or it just didn’t get me, I don’t know which. At 15 we were allowed to choose if we wanted to continue going to church, I flat burned rubber to distance myself from anything Godly. I wanted to be one of the “in” crowd. I wanted friends, fame, boyfirends, excitement I guess. So the first time someone offered me a joint I said sure!, a drink, sure! drugs? sure! I’m game, I’m cool, not a wimp, not a nerd.
What I did not understand was that I had made a choice for the direction my life would take. And I was taking the cowards way, I didn’t have the guts to say no, I didn’t have the self confidence in myself to think I could be anything great without being like everyone else. I thought I was just choosing to have a little illegal fun, a little immoral behavior, be a grown up and make my own choices. I wasn’t robbing banks, or anything that would get me in serious trouble,…. I thought. And I was cool, I became friends with the popular crowd, dated an athlete, I was invited to everyone’s party.
Really what was happening was the errosion of everything good. It’s just so slow and it begins with that first act of what?,..disobedience? defiance? I don’t know, now I’d call it stupidity. That first drag on a joint I set my foot down a path that I did not know existed. It’s so suttle. I guess at that moment I knew deep inside that I had just betrayed myself, my parents and every adult who had ever loved me enough to say “don’t”.
I was fortunate I did not become an addict. But most of those close to me did. My best friend at the time became a fall down drunk alcoholic, and later a heroin addict after we parted company. I overdosed twice by accident. One of my good firends nearly died one night of alcohol poisoning. Numerous aquaintances went to jail or prison. I was nearly killed once over a drug deal. And I was not a hard core user, just recreational. Do you hear me? Just ”SOCIAL” drug use.
So how can I say my life was altered so radically when I didn’t go to jail or become an addict or anything so serious? Well because what follows is the lack of “good” that didn’t happen in my life. I didn’t complete college even though I had an amazing talent and opportunity before me because I wanted to be “free and hang with my friends”. I married a man who left me promptly for another woman he was partying with. My second husband became an addict after years of increasing recreational use of drugs and wound up in rehabs until I could take no more and went through an ugly divorce and drug my child through it too. Nice huh? Cool.
At some point 20 years down the road, and the years can fly by, a realization came over me that I had been sick and tired of the way things had worked out for me for a long time. It was sad to look back and think what my life could have been if I had made some different choices early on. I saw some high school friends who I left behind (because they were nerds) on Facebook, there is a District Attorney, a Senator and a Surgeon (I’m not exaggerating). My life was a real loser compared to these success stories. I recommitted my life to God. I started really acting like a grown up for the first time. I sat down with my Science and Health and started to think for myself for the first time, to read and pray and look for that good and precious thing that brings real happiness. And I found it. Thank you God I found it.
Today my life is full, successful, rich with blessings. As soon as I turned to God the healing began in my life, it was miraculous! I attended class instruction in Christian Science two years ago, and it was amazing. I have had two successful businesses the last 10 years, now I work with the homeless as well.
So I chose the wrong path, it’s so obvious when I look backward. But when I was standing there looking forward I saw no path! I hope that there is one person who reads this and feels the message of love I’m sending with this and hears me say “you can make a better choice”. Be a real grown up.
And now that I have written this I’m thinking just maybe I want my daughter to read this. Maybe she will make the right choice.
Lucy – Thanks so much for sharing your story. Last night I called a friend for help because my car broke down in the dark and snow, and he was drunk again. He’s sloshed almost every night after 6 p.m. Happily, the next friend I tried was ready to assist.
This is an ongoing issue with this particular individual, and we are very close. So this morning I came to this site looking for articles on addiction, and I found this one with your entry too. It’s good to know that even entrenched habits can be broken with God’s help. There isn’t any power stronger than the One who made everything.
My friend wants me to pray for him every day, so I do. It’s the best way I know to love him. I’ll be using the ideas that you & Michael and the others shared here. Thanks for giving me hope.
I am grateful for the testimony Michael
gave– wide awake.
I appreciate the honest, open and heartfelt thoughts
shared-
I am also through Christian Science seeking a clearer,
more aware thought- every day.
I have been seeking to let go of fear, and depression
over the loss of my Mom.
It’s been a little over a year.
The flip side- to fear and depression I think are love and
hope– to let go of the negative mortal mind voice
and cherish snd hold onto the still small voice.
The voice of Divine Love– that frees and encourages.
That sees us- wide awake. And aware of our God given
goodness.
I am grateful for all the thoughts shared here.
Paul,
Thanks for posting your comments
You will always be connected to your mom through Love.
Special thanks to everyone for sharing here. It feels good.
TWLS (Truth, Wisdom, Love and Sincerity)
Rob
I just had a conversation today with a Christian Science friend about why we need church. And then I read this.
Thank you for this article, Michael. I’m grateful to the Publishing Society for the openness that invites and embraces honest sharing.
Rob wrote, “I am so grateful to all the Christian Scientists who showed love and kindness to me on that visit.” I am too, Rob!
The world needs THIS church, the one exemplified on this page. Thanks to all of you who make it what it is.
With love,
Pamela
Hey Michael my man! Awesome witness!! I remember when I called you one day and asked your insights as to why teenagers (my own included) were so into smoking pot. And you said you thought at the heart of it, they’re looking for community and spirituality. That really helped me pray and address the issue with my son from a place of better understanding and way less fear. Community + spirituality = church. So how to help parents understand and get kids to the house of God? Keep up this kind of testimony!!! The authenticity is a powerful draw. Thanks to Rob Scott for yours too. Your insights help me.
Thank you for sharing how you found your freedom AND that it wasn’t done in one easy step. I love those easy step healings but this is encouraging for those of us who are in the middle of a two step or more steps healing.
Amen.
p.s.
“This is what is meant by seeking Truth, Christ, not ‘for the loaves and fishes,’ nor, like the Pharisee, with the arrogance of rank and display of scholarship, but like Mary Magdalene, from the summit of devout consecration, with the oil of gladness and the perfume of gratitude, with tears of repentance and with all those hairs all numbered by the father.”
Mary Baker Eddy, Science and Health 367:10
Truth, Wisdom, Love and Sincerity, to ALL mankind.
Rob Scott
Chicago, IL
Thank you, Michael.
It took courage to write this article.
The following passage from you moved me to the core:
. . . the truth that would finally wake me up: “Love is the liberator.” 2
I had a similar healing this past January after visiting The Mother Church for rest and study while under the care of a CS practitioner.
I came to the exact same conclusion: “Love is the liberator”.
It was Love that saved me. Christian Science is all about Love. Love. Love. Love.
The rules or being told I was full of sin only poured gasoline on the behavior of addiction. Once I knew I was loved by God (unconditionally) I just didn’t care about the false landmarks of addiction. They simply vanished.
As a result of that particular visit to TMC I am light years ahead of where I was. I am so grateful to all the Christian Scientists who showed love and kindness to me on that visit.
I know there is no formula and that every case is different. But my breakthrough came when I stopped focusing on the problem or on what I didn’t want in my life to KNOWING that God not only was with me in trouble but that I was His “Beloved Child”.
The root cause behind most all addiction is pain. Pain + Pleasure = addiction. One will never let go of the false landmarks until they have something more powerful to grab onto. Just stopping the behavior is not enough. It has to be replaced with Truth and Love. It takes a leap of faith.
The Love is most essential or at least it was to me as I didn’t have a lot of it in my life.
There is only one God.
Special thanks to the CSPS for articles like this as they are bringing comfort and healing.
Rob Scott
Chicago, IL
Dear Brother Rob,
Thank you God, thank you God, for giving you the strength to share your own testimony of healing.
Your response is ripe with honesty and righteousness. God’s Love is the forever healer. That’s our mission as Christian Scientists – to let others know that God loves them. God loves us! If God is incorporeal Spirit – how can we know this? How can those who feel so far away from God know this?
We have to witness to them! We have to be with them, we have to be used by Love to reveal heaven right here and now!
Know you’re continuing this heavenly work there in Chicago, brother. And you’ve got an army full of prayer warriors supporting you and your city in this time of revelation and awakening.
God has blessed the true seekers, the truly humble servants, the Jacobs who struggled with error and won.
Gratitude is healing.
I love your story. Your message was exactly what I needed to read the day you posted it. I hope you feel that there’s an abundance of love in your life right now. You can’t escape it!!!
This is awesome. I really love this. And also, I picked up on the spirituality in that song right away as well :) Thanks for sharing your insight!
Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing this. Examples of waking up from what can feel like a deep spells are so important to share. Thank you, Michael!
Michael, you are a powerful thinker and writer. The images and lyrics you shared are vivid and moving. In no way are you now, or I bet were you ever, remedial. I despise that label. My brother came home covered in sores. I begged God to know how to help him. He was addicted to Crystal Meth. I went to summer camp. I lay in my top bunk writhing in worry. One of the directors listened and comforted me. A Christian Science practitioner told me that all of God’s sons are valuable. He needs them all. He encouraged me to tell my brother. Tell him. I stood at the kitchen sink, my back to him. Quietly said…the world needs you. It was a turning point. It was tough for my brother. But the demon slunk away, powerless. The world needs your writing, your voice Michael. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you dear one for your strength and love. We show our love for God in how we treat our neighbor, our brother, our co-worker.
“The world needs you” – what right words! These are the words, when spoken with love, that make the changes that I prayed so long for. We all have such wonderful God-given gifts. And we come alive when we use them for kingdom building, for Christly expression, for good unlimited.
WE are needed! We are loved! There is no other way to understanding heaven. Thank you for your expression. It is deeply felt.