True confessions of a Facebook stalker
There he was. With her. Arm looped comfortably over her shoulder. Their heads turned toward each other. Smiling. Happy.
Ugh.
The photo appeared on Facebook when a mutual friend posted an album chronicling a recent party. There they were, crudding up my otherwise-sunny Tuesday morning. Instantly, I clicked over to his profile to gather more intel. They weren’t listed as “in a relationship”—not yet. But the flirtatious posts she’d left on his wall, coupled with his cutesy responses, left little to the imagination.
The more I looked, the more jealous I got.
The simple answer—the grown-up answer, perhaps—would have just been to de-friend him. It had been over for more than a year. Relationship experts, social commentators, and opinionators have already railed against me, and others like me, in thousands of words scattered across the web. Get over it. Cut the cord. Stop stalking him on Facebook. Social networks, they say, have turned the break-up into a kind of relationship purgatory: So long as you remain “friends,” you can never really get over him.
I can’t say what the right course of action is for anyone else, but for me, the answer to the jealousy seemed to go beyond a simple de-friending. Sure, keeping tabs on him was part of the problem—but only part of it. The bigger issue was the roiling envy. And let’s face it: Isn’t that what most of us face, on or off the web, when an ex gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend?
As I examined my own thinking in this situation, I realized that the jealousy I was feeling came down to one word: fear. This surprised me. I didn’t think of myself as fearful. But as I picked apart the envy, I realized that fear and jealousy were more closely related than I initially thought.
I was jealous because I was afraid I couldn’t be happy again.
I was jealous because I was afraid she—the new girl—was better, prettier, nicer, smarter, whatever-er, than I was.
I was jealous because I was afraid I wouldn’t find what they had.
And so on.
The Bible is pretty clear on the antidote to fear. “There is no fear in love,” it promises, “but perfect love casteth out fear. 1 But as I prayed to feel more of God’s love, I ended up getting a more specific answer. I was loved, yes—I felt God assuring me of that. More specifically, I was chosen.
What does it mean to be chosen? More than just reminding us of our value, chosen implies that our value is recognized and needed. The worth given to us by God isn’t passive—it’s part of His active covenant with us. We are worthy, and we are being called upon, each moment, to exercise that worth—to express it in ways that bless us and others.
I love the way Jesus expressed this in the book of John. “I have chosen you, and ordained you,” he told his followers, “that ye should go and bring forth fruit.” 2
Jesus’ words changed the way I was thinking about ex-boyfriends and previous relationships. Instead of trying to get over envy, I asked myself what it would be like to live with the knowledge that I was chosen. Chosen by God to be appreciated and loved. Chosen by God to live a life of abundance, as established by His law. Chosen by God to be fruitful—to live a life of joy, and fearlessness, and purpose, regardless of what anyone else was doing on or off Facebook.
What I like most about the concept of being chosen, though, is that it keeps us out of competition with each other. To be chosen is to be valued beyond our wildest dreams. To be made to feel special beyond what we could hope for. Feeling that deep down not only washes our hearts clean from envy, but it allows us to be happy—truly happy. Even when an ex’s status changes from “single” to “in a relationship.”
Notes:
- I John 4:18 ↩
Topics: Happiness | Tags: bf, competition, contentment, dissatisfaction, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, Facebook stalking, gf
I am like Oreal, not that I have an ex to follow/ stalk but when I do not like a friend’s post, I do not unfriend him/her. I believe we all are reflecting intelligence from all divine Mind ;-)
Thank you so, so, SO much for this article. It really spoke to me about how to overcome that gnawing strain of jealousy, and even better, really feel God’s love for you as a constant :) Thank you!!!
Thanks for letting me know. :)
Thanks for your thoughts here, Jenny. The whole concept of being “chosen” is what really grabbed my attention. Seen from a human perspective, to be “chosen” for something requires another person or persons to “choose” us–to hire us, or collaborate with us, or marry us, or whatever. From the time we’re kids, and sides are being chosen for a quick put-together basketball game, and then on to who chooses to be our boyfriend or girlfriend, to what schools or colleges choose to admit us, and then on to our jobs and spouses and pretty much everything else, we all do what what we can in order to be “chosen.” And being chosen in this way always involves a blending of “skill and luck”–of being “in the right place at the right time,” or of being “the right person for the job,” and so forth. It appears we’re chosen partially on our own human merit, AND on our ability to win others over (such as in a political election).
The Bible brings out in many passages a very different concept–the idea that God has ALREADY chosen us, just as you brought out so well in your article. It brings out that the very fact that we exist EXIST is proof that we’re already chosen–it’s not EARNED, but BESTOWED upon us. One cannot “earn” spiritual sonship or daughter-ship–it’s bestowed upon us by the fact that we’re already the children of God. Even with all of what may appear as our “human failings”–as brought out by Jesus in his parable of the prodigal son and his older brother, each of whom had a few things to learn. The father in that parable loved each of his sons, and their sonship was never on the chopping block, despite their actions and the experiences they each had. When the seventy disciples which Jesus had at one point sent out to heal and to preach the gospel returned and marveled how “even the devils are subject unto us through thy name,” Jesus pointed out that this wasn’t the big picture, but just the result of the big picture–that their very names were already “written in heaven.” In other words, they were already chosen by God, and by Jesus himself to do this good work, and therefore the work they did was good. The “good work” didn’t earn them having their names written in heaven; it was just the opposite. This concept of being chosen is radically different than what’s presented in “old theology,” in which God is seen as more of a man-like tough boss, either rewarding or punishing man depending upon his accomplishments or failures.
I work in a field where it would appear I’m always hoping and needing to be “chosen” by others in order to have an income. And this type of situation is becoming increasingly more common today for lots of professions. It would certainly seem that there’s just never enough “skill & luck” to enable us to keep moving forward. So every day–and more accurately, in moments all through the day, I keep reminding myself that I am already chosen by God to be about my Father’s business. “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” as the Bible puts it. My part in this choosing is to do as Jesus says, and to “choose ye this day whom ye will serve.” One way I do this is to take some thought that comes to me, and to make that thought my prayer for that day—or days—or even for just that moment. Oftentimes, this means taking something from the Lord’s Prayer, and/or Mrs. Eddy’s spiritual interpretation of that prayer. For example, as I’m preparing for an audition (I work as an actor) such a prayer might be, “Enable us to know, as in heaven, so on earth, God is omnipotent, supreme.” Focusing my thought on God helps keep my thought off myself, off the audition, off the traffic getting to the audition, etc. This tends to help me get “me” out of the way, and let something of my true spiritual selfhood come through. Rather than going into an audition in hopes of being “chosen,” I go in with a sense of being already chosen to be about my Father’s business, and this audition is just one way I happen to be doing that at the moment. I go in already “having the job” of expressing Soul and bringing something of value to that experience for everyone involved, whether I happen to be chosen to play that particular role or not.
Once I shooting a particular project, and during a break the director came over to me and wanted to let me know he was pleased with what I was doing, which in this case involved quite a bit of improvisation on camera. He said, “you know, we had five thousand submissions for this role, and you booked the role.” Without even thinking about it, I replied, “yes, but I was the only one of ME that auditioned,” which got us both both laughing. But more importantly, it showed me that I wasn’t “one out of five thousand,” but just one out of one–the way God makes each of us–only one of each, and each of us already chosen by God.
Thanks again for this great article, Jenny–
Will, this is AWESOME! I so agree that the idea of chosen-ness applies to lots of other areas of our lives as well–especially careers. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. They helped me, and I know they’ll help others. :)
I made the decision to “hide” some posts, rather than unfriend. It was a sanity measure, for sure. I was looking at my ex’s current s.o.’s posts and they didn’t always make me feel good. Why put yourself in a position that you’re going to have to climb out of later on?
This is such a well-written piece! Some years ago, Lois Carlson gave a lecture on relationships that was used as a Time4Thinkers podcast (back before T4T got its facelift), and a young questioner asked a question about having to put up a “wall” of separation to protect oneself.
I don’t think that’s an entirely bad idea, and neither did the lecturer. She explained that you can think of it less as a wall and more of a “manger,” where the Christ is going to be born. That Christ can represent an idea in your own consciousness — an idea of stability, of being able to stand up on your own two feet, of having dominion over jealousy.
And one other thing to consider (and to ALWAYS consider) is your motivation. I think sometimes people get too caught up on the labels of “friend,” “boyfriend,” and “girlfriend.” Because without the substance beneath them, the label is meaningless. One might ask themselves: why do I want to remain this person’s “friend” on Facebook? Is it out of love? Because continually watching a person with a jealous eye isn’t a very loving or friendly activity, when one is really honest with themselves.
I don’t say that to disparage Jenny — I’ve done it too, as have many, many others. I’m actually very grateful for her powerful honesty here! And I’ve learned that it’s sometimes more loving to actually separate yourself from the other person (and “un-friend” them on Facebook if you need to), if continued contact is causing too much dissonance or bad blood — for either party. It does depend on the circumstance. But my point is: honesty and self-examination when it comes to ones own motives can go a long way. And I know it’s a lot easier said than done.
Thanks for your comments, Gordon. And I totally agree that there are times when a separation is necessary. Not even just with (former) romantic relationships. I had one friend on Facebook–ahem, “friend”–who was someone I’d grown apart with in person. It became clear after a while that holding on to our FB “friendship” was not helping my progress. In fact, it even occurred to me that our lack of a genuine relationship made our online connection more voyeuristic than anything else, at least on my part. In the end, the right thing was to remove her from my friend list.
What I loved about that decision, though, was that it didn’t come out of regret or anger. It came out of listening and prayer–and was the right one for that particular situation. As you said, when you’re clear on your motives, relationship issues online and off are more easily sorted out. :)